Crisis Averted?

Day two of unemployment I got a health card. When I got health card in the past you had to go and watch a video and they gave you a card . now you have to do an online powerpoint that has random quizzes and a test at the end. I worked in food service and I came across a total of zero of the situations presented during that time. I also made an unboxing video for my youtube channel, it is one of the worst videos ever. Maybe that will be my thing , making terrible youtube videos lol.I am still in shock that I got fired.  I am also in shock that my son just … left. This apartment seems so much bigger with just me in it, well me and a tiny demanding dog. It is so quiet. And I always had the comfort of a man here so now every noise I hear I know it is someone coming in to murder me. I forgot I started a load of clothes yesterday and nearly gave myself a heart attack when the spin cycle ended. I have too much time to be inside my own head. I am glad my meds were adjusted before all this started , I don’t think I would be able to handle this the way I was a few weeks ago.  I am trying to look at this as a good thing. I have made it through worse situations. I just thought at this point in my life things would be easier. I don’t want to struggle my whole life. But hopefully this is the start of something good

the video is here:

“And after the storm, I run and run as the rains come. And I look up, I look up, on my knees and out of luck, I look up.”

So, yesterday was my first day of unemployment. well, not really my FIRST day. I was fired on Tuesday at 2:30 the end of the day after a 3 day weekend. They had to pay me for Wednesday, Thursday I normally work a half day anyway, Friday I had requested time off… so yesterday felt like my first real day of unemployment.  This is a new and scary time for me. I worked for that company 17 years and 5 months it is weird knowing that paycheck that I got every 2 weeks like clockwork will not be coming anymore. On a good note though they had to pay me for my PTO which I had over 100 hours of and that place felt like I was an orc working under the eye of Sauron anyway.  This was the best time for this to happen, my tax refund was enough to catch up on my bills and I have a bit of a cushion so I am not about to slit my wrists in terror over the possibility of having to live in my vehicle. I also got a lot of love from people I didn’t expect and as usual no love from people I did expect. I will also get better at this blogging thing. Love you all

“You’re on your own AWESOME,WOW! Do you have a clue what happens now? Oceans rise empires fall it’s much harder when it’s all your call”

Saying goodbye is hard. I am trying not to do the thing that i normally do which is once i really start to feel something for someone i push them out of my life. I also want to do something more with this blog than have it be a blah blah blah fest like most of the other blogs i read. So here goes.

…Tomorrow I’ll give my life tomorrow,
I thought about today, but, it’s so much easier to say…tomorrow…

A year ago today I found out someone very dear to me, the most awesome person I have had the honour of knowing, had left this earth and went to the big cat playground in the sky. I still can’t believe that he is gone. Even though he lived far away I knew that he was there for me when I really needed him and had my back . I hope he found the peace he was looking for.

…If i should die dont cry my niggas,
bust bullets in the sky my niggas.
And when I’m gone don’t mourn my niggas,
get on my niggas
When its real say word to Sean my niggas …

There was time when someone snidely asked me “why would someone want to marry you?”I just realized i can proudly say, ” because he cares about me.” I just realized that someone asked me to marry them and then flew all the way here to do it and to be with me. I don’t know why that just hit me. Maybe because I am sitting here wishing he was here.

..Let’s not forget ourselves my friend, I am flawed if I’m not free, and your husband will never leave you, he will never leave you for me…

I have had a whirlwind month so far. After three years I finally met one of my favourite people and promptly fell madly in lust with him. (I think he feels the same) For a solid week i got to do nothing but lie in the arms of someone who made me feel alive and beautiful. And now he is gone back to Jolly old England about as far away as he can be. I wont get all mushy and nostalgic I am trying to absorb a biut of his cynicism and maybe rub some of my romantic naivete onto him. For now i will just take it a day at a time. I cant really afford anymore heart break .

…Its ok in the day, i”m staying busy, run around so i don’t have to wonder where is he…..

So yeah, I have had a blog site for well over two years and never wrote a damn thing. Its not like i dont think i have anything to say, i have written 100 or so blogs in my mind that i never wrote down but it’s always easier to do things that way. Also I am too lazy to write the CSS that this page deserves as it is dedicated to the second most awesome person i know, my dog Thor. But tonight I am sad and can’t sleep. i know in my present state, sleep will only spawn nightmares so like a 5 year old i sit and yawn and try not to doze off while simultaneously trying not to let my mind dwell too hard on any one actual worry that i have. But writing about them would also make my mind dwell so i digress. on that note i shall leave you.

…come on mood shift shift back to good again…